Anorexia is feeling imprisoned in your own body, feeling like it’s not your own. Having to walk through life trapped inside something you’d rather discard like an old, stinking carcass. Looking at your limbs and knowing there’s nothing you can do about the way they are, because even if you managed to shrink a size or two, your eyes would still see the same thing.
Anorexia is not feeling quite right about anything, second guessing your choices because you don’t want anyone to be mad at you or anything to go less than perfect. It’s living under a rock and hoping that the world doesn’t crash around you because you haven’t yet accomplished this when everyone around you seems to have done twice as much at your age.
Anorexia is living by numbers, because numbers are exact in a world where nothing is so, sitting in work meetings calculating what you had for breakfast and what more you can allot yourself by the end of the day. It’s wondering how many calories are in things like toothpaste and vitamins, because we’ve managed to convince ourselves that a five calorie difference will actually make a difference.
Anorexia is lying in bed at night and hoping the heart palpitations you feel aren’t serious, knowing that many people with eating disorders go to sleep and just never wake up. It’s having your last thought before turning off the light be, “Well, if I die, I die” because you know once your dead, there’s nothing you can do about that annoying little fact.
Anorexia is not being able to enjoy life to your fullest potential because you’re either hungry all the time, too full, too depressed, too tired, too scared, too sick, too malnourished, or too x, y, z to do anything else.
Anorexia is not pretty pictures of thinspo, thigh gaps, ABC diets, and bikini bodies. Anorexia is not a choice or lifestyle. Anorexia is not something you can pick up and leave behind once your reach x, y, or z on the weight charts. Anorexia is not something to be wanted or desired. Anorexia is not something to be appropriated. Anorexia is not something you wear, you eat, or accomplish.
Anorexia is a nightmare.
(via ed-truth)
